I've missed my blog.

I really have. I'm quite sorry I abandoned it but I'm not sorry what I abandoned it for. I am talking, of course, about Tumblr. That being said, I miss writing and just being all feelingy on here.
Well. Got quite a few things to get off my chest, and since I know like no one reads this any more, I can be as open as I want. Not that I wouldn't have before; I've given up guarding my feelings etc. on the internet. It's real life you have to watch out for. I guess that's my first point: I miss having someone I can be completely me with. It's something I only fully realised in the past week - there's one or maybe two people who actually know the real me. Heck, I'm still trying to pinpoint the real me so to have friends who can actually cope with that makes me feel pretty damn lucky. Chung, you're definitely one of those two; Anna, you're kinda the obvious other.
Another thing: it's getting harder and harder to present a brave face to the outside world. This holiday really did come at the right time, I honestly feel as though I was about to shatter should one more thing hit it in the right spot. Back to the original point - it links to the one up there ^ with the whole real me thing. My group of friends... well, I'm only going to be with them for less than two years now. But for some reason, I no longer really fit with them. Something's changed. Maybe it's the fact that I'm the only one doing IB in my little group, I don't know but it's not the same any more. I know I shouldn't have expected it to be, but it'd be nice if it was.
God, this is so whiny and cliché... Welp, moving on (don't worry, only two more things to go and then you can go back to pretending I don't exist),
Grades. Dear god help me, I swear I am going to fail everything and then I won't get into university, therefore I won't get a good job (heck, I won't get a job at all), and I will become a hobo and then die. In all seriousness, though, I am freaking the fuck out. Well, not exactly. Basically, I panic for a bit, get distracted, be productive, realise I know next to nothing, and panic again. Maths and Chemistry are my downfalls at the moment, and I actually have no idea how I'm going to understand both because they just make absolutely no sense. And unless I'm willing to give up everything to understand those two subjects, I see no way out. Also, university in general. I think I know what I want to study but just ARGH, what if it's not the right course for me?! Should I start visiting universities now (answer here is yes) but where's the time? Shouldn't my parents be helping me slightly with this? (answer here is yes, again) I know I come across as a cocky little shit even to my family, but the truth is I'm fucking terrified and that's the only way I can deal with it or I risk breaking down. Does that even make sense?
Lastly, writing. I write, yes. I like to think I write quite well and I've recently (not so recently now) taken it up again and started writing fanfiction again. However, when I read my friends' work, it just puts mine to shame, it really does. I get told I write well, but in comparison to others, it's terrible. My stories are too short, they are choppy, the ideas may be good but they don't come across as well as I would hope... Feh.

Okay. So that was the insight into my brain. Hopefully you will leave vaguely unscarred. Honestly, this was just a huge emotion dump, I'm not like this all the time.